2009

What can I really say about 2009? As we all enter the final hours of the year, and the decade, looking back and recollecting proves to be quite a daunting task. However, this year has been one of the most important yet of my life, and I feel as if I am obliged to dive into the pool of memories(if you will excuse my poor use of metaphor).

2008 ended(and 2009 began) in the basement of a friend of my ex-girlfriend. It was a rather large party, and all of my friends were there. A good time. As the final moments of the year ticked away, I vowed to become a stronger person. I wanted to be more confident in myself, let myself grow. Little did I know, I would accomplish this task. At first, of course, I noticed no change. 2009 carried on like an extension of 2008. This continued for a while. Remember, I was still in a serious relationship; I was awfully numb to most things. In May, after an uneventful Spring, that segment of my life ended. Slowly, I began to open up. It hurt a bit, like a limb slowly thawing after being out in the cold for hours. A few close friends of mine, knowing how much I was going through, decided to try to make my summer a good one. It worked.

Without a doubt, the summer of 2009 was one of the best of my life. I can't quite put my finger on what it was. But it probably had a lot to do with my best friend. I became extremely close with a very small group of people, and I loved it (you know who you are, and I thank you all endlessly). I had a group, and I fit in perfectly. I had several very close friends, and that is all I needed. It almost feels like some sort of myth at this point. Totino's Pizza Rolls, Super Smash Brothers Brawl, Gumby banging horses quotes, countless trips to Dorney Park, Weatherbox, The Dangerous Summer, burning things in some alley(and how I still walk past it often to see if the melted plastic still sticks there; it does), liking a new girl (it didn't work out quite how I wanted it to, in the end, but it spawned some great times), my trips to LBI... The list could go on for a while. Looking back on those days gives me a warm, happy feeling. I won't ever give it up.

Summer seemed to crack me open. Or, in more common terms, I stopped giving a shit about acting like a normal person. Not to say I really changed, but I know I acted more, well, weird, and still do. Life is more fun when you can act a little insane, let out your deeper thoughts, despite holding tightly onto a modest amount of sanity. It also served as a period of great musical discovery; my taste has yet again expanded into even greater territories. I began writing my poetry over the summer, and I still haven't stopped. I doubt I ever will. Nothing I write here will truly explain just how important this summer was to my development as a person, so maybe it is time to move on.

School started. Yes, that is when everything fell apart. I don't think it is quite fair to blame the collapse of our little group on the classes we were placed in; however, I am certain it has something to do with it. There really isn't much to say; things just fell apart. From September to about the middle of November, maybe earlier, things were bad. I had envisioned a fall full of friendship and trips to football games and Halloweekends, and to an extent, I received this. Fall had some great moments, some matter in the vacuum. I met another girl that I really had interest in, but of course that wasn't meant to be(there were a few others between summer and now that I had mild interest in, but none of them developed either...seeing a pattern here?). Some trips to Halloweekends were successful and fun. Some evening hangouts worked out well.

I see no point in further discussing the problems, because they ended around the time of my birthday (early December). Like every other year, my birthday party was a good time. For about 20 (less?)days I was granted some relief. Things were good, okay. Then, just in time for the holidays, the anxiety started. Mind you, this is only a bit longer than a week ago. I don't quite want to go into detail about it, but anxiety and panic attacks have been extremely frequent lately, and just when I thought that was enough, problems arose in my friendships. It will be literally impossible for me if these are to continue. I simply can't deal with it. But this blog is not about whining. I guess that brings us to the current status. I am working on fixing this anxiety sickness I have seemingly come down with. At the same time, I am trying to tie up the rips and holes in my friendships.

I am admittedly not in a good mental condition as of late. The new year begins soon. I know there will be no instantaneous change, there never is. But, just like 2009, I intend to keep evolving and growing as a person. This is my new years resolution: I want to be happy. I will not let anxiety, social problems, or anything else keep me down for too long. I may not accomplish this, but I am going to try. I am going to fix all the problems that I can with all of the friendships I have. Friends are really all we have in the end, aren't they? Here's to hoping for a strong, happy, strange, and life-changing 2010...for everyone.




P.S. I did not meet my goal of 10,000 songs. Only 9,800. Soon enough though. Soon enough.