Tuesday, December 29, 2009


What can I really say about 2009? As we all enter the final hours of the year, and the decade, looking back and recollecting proves to be quite a daunting task. However, this year has been one of the most important yet of my life, and I feel as if I am obliged to dive into the pool of memories(if you will excuse my poor use of metaphor).

2008 ended(and 2009 began) in the basement of a friend of my ex-girlfriend. It was a rather large party, and all of my friends were there. A good time. As the final moments of the year ticked away, I vowed to become a stronger person. I wanted to be more confident in myself, let myself grow. Little did I know, I would accomplish this task. At first, of course, I noticed no change. 2009 carried on like an extension of 2008. This continued for a while. Remember, I was still in a serious relationship; I was awfully numb to most things. In May, after an uneventful Spring, that segment of my life ended. Slowly, I began to open up. It hurt a bit, like a limb slowly thawing after being out in the cold for hours. A few close friends of mine, knowing how much I was going through, decided to try to make my summer a good one. It worked.

Without a doubt, the summer of 2009 was one of the best of my life. I can't quite put my finger on what it was. But it probably had a lot to do with my best friend. I became extremely close with a very small group of people, and I loved it (you know who you are, and I thank you all endlessly). I had a group, and I fit in perfectly. I had several very close friends, and that is all I needed. It almost feels like some sort of myth at this point. Totino's Pizza Rolls, Super Smash Brothers Brawl, Gumby banging horses quotes, countless trips to Dorney Park, Weatherbox, The Dangerous Summer, burning things in some alley(and how I still walk past it often to see if the melted plastic still sticks there; it does), liking a new girl (it didn't work out quite how I wanted it to, in the end, but it spawned some great times), my trips to LBI... The list could go on for a while. Looking back on those days gives me a warm, happy feeling. I won't ever give it up.

Summer seemed to crack me open. Or, in more common terms, I stopped giving a shit about acting like a normal person. Not to say I really changed, but I know I acted more, well, weird, and still do. Life is more fun when you can act a little insane, let out your deeper thoughts, despite holding tightly onto a modest amount of sanity. It also served as a period of great musical discovery; my taste has yet again expanded into even greater territories. I began writing my poetry over the summer, and I still haven't stopped. I doubt I ever will. Nothing I write here will truly explain just how important this summer was to my development as a person, so maybe it is time to move on.

School started. Yes, that is when everything fell apart. I don't think it is quite fair to blame the collapse of our little group on the classes we were placed in; however, I am certain it has something to do with it. There really isn't much to say; things just fell apart. From September to about the middle of November, maybe earlier, things were bad. I had envisioned a fall full of friendship and trips to football games and Halloweekends, and to an extent, I received this. Fall had some great moments, some matter in the vacuum. I met another girl that I really had interest in, but of course that wasn't meant to be(there were a few others between summer and now that I had mild interest in, but none of them developed either...seeing a pattern here?). Some trips to Halloweekends were successful and fun. Some evening hangouts worked out well.

I see no point in further discussing the problems, because they ended around the time of my birthday (early December). Like every other year, my birthday party was a good time. For about 20 (less?)days I was granted some relief. Things were good, okay. Then, just in time for the holidays, the anxiety started. Mind you, this is only a bit longer than a week ago. I don't quite want to go into detail about it, but anxiety and panic attacks have been extremely frequent lately, and just when I thought that was enough, problems arose in my friendships. It will be literally impossible for me if these are to continue. I simply can't deal with it. But this blog is not about whining. I guess that brings us to the current status. I am working on fixing this anxiety sickness I have seemingly come down with. At the same time, I am trying to tie up the rips and holes in my friendships.

I am admittedly not in a good mental condition as of late. The new year begins soon. I know there will be no instantaneous change, there never is. But, just like 2009, I intend to keep evolving and growing as a person. This is my new years resolution: I want to be happy. I will not let anxiety, social problems, or anything else keep me down for too long. I may not accomplish this, but I am going to try. I am going to fix all the problems that I can with all of the friendships I have. Friends are really all we have in the end, aren't they? Here's to hoping for a strong, happy, strange, and life-changing 2010...for everyone.

P.S. I did not meet my goal of 10,000 songs. Only 9,800. Soon enough though. Soon enough.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Going to live with the wolves.

As he climbs the wooden stairs, every thought that enters his mind seems to burst apart with light and sound like a firecracker in slow motion. He doesn't bother pondering the importance of the moments that are to follow, he just ascends. "One, two, one, two" his mind says as he climbs. Maybe 20 seconds later, he is at the door to the room he slept in every night. He gathers a few things, mainly essential items of clothing and a few reminders of friends (friends now gone). Through tired eyes he glances back at the room he used to call "his". He goes back down the stairs. He exits the front door. The pack is waiting for him in the yard. Snow falls silently; it already covers the ground, so the addition of a few million more flakes makes not a bit of difference. Before he realizes what he is doing, he leaves behind his life, he walks away with the wolves. He leaves behind his family, his friends, his hopes of success. Success doesn't matter to the pack of wolves. He likes that about them. If I were watching him, I'd see a boy walking alone down a cold, icy street.

I can't help but

Sometimes, I can't help but
Imagine myself stranded,
Insane on some mountaintop
I can't help but ask
"Will the wind carry me?"
If I choose to jump.

Other days, I can't help but
Feel my wrists and legs
Lose feeling, my breathing
Speed up. I can't help but
See myself through their lenses.
When will I have some sense?

Today, I can't help but
hope for an answer.
Sometimes the walls close
So tightly around me, that
I lose sight of what is important.
I can't help but hope for peace.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009


Each person's machine/
Sits, stands spewing/
Language and humor/

An onlooker stares,/
Well oiled, clean/
Heart and soul intact/

His machine glimmers,/
Shines with the glare/
Of the lights above/

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Top Twenty Albums of 2009

Although my mix CD had these in a slightly different order, this is my final, official order for my favorite albums released in 2009. This is only a top 20, and there were so many excellent albums released this year. With time, some of the albums that didn't make the top 20 may even kick some of these ones off. Time will tell, you can never guess how a certain album will age. Anyway, this was a fantastic year for music, and I believe this list accurately portrays my taste in music this year. In addition to the new albums released, I have been looking into older things quite a bit. Each year my musical taste just keeps expanding, and I wouldn't be surprised if 2010's list consisted only of "indie"(good music) albums. I'm still about 40% Absolutepunk.net and 60% Pitchfork (although their reviews piss me off to no end), but I can feel my taste shifting rapidly toward the indie-crop. But you already knew that. Before this year ends, I will have a huge synopsis of what 2009 meant to me.

1. Weatherbox- The Cosmic Drama

2. Brand New- Daisy

3. Titus Andronicus- The Airing of Grievances (reissued in 2009, so I'll count it)

4. Miles Benjamin Anthony Robinson- Summer of Fear

5. The Antlers- Hospice

6. Manchester Orchestra- Mean Everything To Nothing

7. fun.- Aim and Ignite

8. Animal Collective- Merriweather Post Pavilion

9. Grizzly Bear- Veckatimest

10. The Dangerous Summer- Reach For The Sun

11. Thrice- Beggars

12. Kiss Kiss- The Meek Shall Inherit What's Left

13. Portugal. The Man- The Satanic Satanist

14. Silversun Pickups- Swoon

15.mewithoutYou- It's All Crazy! It's All False! It's All A Dream! It's Alright.

16. The Rural Alberta Advantage- Hometowns

17. Last Lights- No Past No Present No Future

18. Kevin Devine- Brother's Blood

19. The Dear Hunter- Act III: Life and Death

20. Pissed Jeans- King of Jeans

Friday, December 18, 2009

Autumn To Winter

Why do we always go crawling back
To that Medusa glare? That serpent hair?

Why do we slip, tumble down every hill
That we so boldly intend to scale?

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

World Leaders

Blue light illuminates/
The man' facade./
There is much more to see/
Behind it, but the front/
Is what we get./
No eyes, no nose, but a Smile/
(A truly happy smile) That/
Tells us all of a life well lived.

The smile flips, the world flips/
We fall into/
The sick, honey-colored sky./
Windows shatter, eyes close;/
Every tree/
Is uprooted and pulled skyward ./
(I guess the world ends here)/
But we wake up the next morning.

The nest is cold and dark./
I feel my flesh/
Against the rough twig and branch./
Our mother comes home, chirps./
All of us scream/
And fly off, back towards our dirty/
Homes. (We feel sick and we sleep)/
Every night that same smile/

Taunts us, haunts us.

Sunday, December 13, 2009


Public: Take note of me, maybe I'll stay just a bit longer. I'll try to dehumanize you, try to make an obstacle out of you; maybe then we can get along. We can be in love, it will be great. You'll cry, I'll pretend to care. No, no...I'm not saying I can't care, I'm just a little tired of being so sensitive. I just won't care this time. Even though I don't know you yet, I can imagine we'll be great together! Oh, it will be the best of times, and the best of times too. We'll listen to music, we'll jump into (the river), we will even have friends. Don't let the eyes scare you, you'll get used to them.


Saturday, December 12, 2009

"Now your eyes ain't moving now; They just lay there in their clouds"

I've been pretty good. My birthday week was a success. People seem to like each other again, and we can all finally get along. My party last night was fun, and I felt like I actually had people to believe in and trust. Friends. It was great. A truly tangible feeling. Not like the foggy, unclear feelings towards people that are usually active. Ha. So I've started collecting vinyl, and it feels good. I've got four records so far, each of which is awesome. I recommend them all as highly as I can: Miles B. A. Robinson- Summer of Fear, Neutral Milk Hotel- In The Aeroplane Over The Sea, The Antlers- Hospice, and Titus Andronicus- The Airing of Grievances. Some of my favorite albums. Let's see where this hobby takes me... Vinyl DOES sound better.

I haven't really felt creative over the past few days. No poetry has been popping into my head, so I'll wait. I can feel some building up though. So expect some writing soon.

Currently listening: Neutral Milk Hotel- In The Aeroplane Over The Sea: A classic.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Happy Birthday, yesterday.

Well, I am 17.

Fine birthday. More to come soon, not feeling inspired.

Sunday, December 6, 2009


_Now, at this moment, we stare/
Into the faces of our tired years/
Every memory bubbles up from/
The tar and mud of our age/
We sometimes smile, or frown/
We always forget: it won't re-happen_

_Bring me your happy, pile them here/
Bring me your sad, pile them there/
Every letter bleeds like a wound, a lie/
But "it doesn't apply(let it die)."/
To consummate my mind, I need divisions/
Every friend needs a room to sleep in_

_Take me to your severed minds/
Let me catch them, see them/
Let all ego (pounded in like dirt)/
Be swept out of your skull's kitchen door/
Sense can be made, manufactured/
Hail "the great god of my own creation"_




Thursday, December 3, 2009

"So there's no open doors and there's no way to get through, there's no other witnesses, just us two."

Everything is alright. Tomorrow I will be going on a field trip to Bethlehem for German class, although I've never taken a German class in my life... But a field trip is a field trip is a field trip. So that is a good way to end my week.

My 17th birthday is quickly approaching, and I honestly don't know how to feel about that. I love my birthday, sure, but I am just getting so (for lack of a better word) old. Not OLD, but...My life is speeding by. What do I have to show for my 17 years? I guess I can't really answer that question. I know I'm worth something, I just wish I had a more tangible idea of what I have accomplished. And no, this is not a 1/5th life crisis, I've just been thinking.

Not too much.

Music: The Antlers- Hospice: Without a doubt, this is the most depressing album I've ever heard. On top of that, it is one of the most beautiful releases I've heard this year. An album of unbelievable melodies wrapped around a story that is more than heart-wrenching. I can't say it's one of my favorite albums (at least not yet; it needs time), but I can't remember when I've been so affected by not only an album, but a work of art in general. I cannot recommend this album enough. The first few listens won't reveal anything, it took about ten times through for the true feelings to emerge.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

"And your red sky at night won't follow me"

Break is over. Just as I predicted, it was a bit bleak. There were, however, a few good nights strewn throughout the week, so I suppose it was worth it. Either way, a break from school was greatly appreciated. I can feel myself slowly falling into a rut again, and there is no way I will let that happen again. I think what I need to do is continue to change things up and try new things. When I get too bored or comfortable is when I start worrying/getting depressed. Happiness is a rather fleeting thing, and I will not let it escape me. I have to hang onto it.

I also feel as though my poetry-writings are starting to become repetitive. Even if they are not, I need to write something that truly inspires me and convinces me that my writing is worth anything. I think I may need a muse. Sothesearchbegins.

I'm sitting in physics class, and this is turning out to be one of the longest school days yet this year. I haven't had a good rant for a while, but I just haven't been pissed off enough. I haven't had the right sort of passion. Well, I better start paying attention to centripetal force and tension.

Music for the past few days: The Twilight Sad- Fourteen Autumns and Fifteen Winters :
An album full of overwhelming emotion. The sort of album that keeps bringing you back for more listens, and reveals a new detail each time. The band has released a new album recently, and I am excited to hear that if is even half as good as this beautiful release.